By : RAUL DIAS
MUMBAI :
Upfront apologies are due for shamelessly co-opting and tweaking the name of one of my favourite movies of all time—the 1989 Driving Miss Daisy in the header above. In my defense, it not just fits the future contents of this article to the T, but also, it’s so darn ‘punny’.
Yes, much to the horror of most of you auto-junkies and car nuts out there, I am one of those people who simply abhors driving any kind of vehicle, even if it meant to save my life. And no, the irony isn’t lost on me, a travel writer with a little over 63 countries’ entry stamps in his booklet of dog-eared passports. But then, it also makes me the perfect person to give you his professional opinion on what maketh the perfect ride and what doesn’t.
Over the last 14 years of travelling around the world, I’ve amassed a wealth of chauffeur experiences; both great and a few not-so-great. From dedicated professionals who have gone out of their way to make my ride a dream one to others who couldn’t have cared less if they were driving a herd of cattle to auction!
So, in no particular order, here are the top five commandments that I’d expect any self-respecting chauffeur to abide by:
1. Address Please!?
If I had a rupee for every time I have been asked for my address by my prospective chauffeur en route to pick me up—despite me not just sending the same in writing, but also very thoughtfully attaching my location pin at the time of booking way in advance—I’d be a very wealthy man, indeed. You would think that knowing how to read an address, find a location and decipher a GPS-enhanced location pin are like basic chauffeur 101s, but you will be surprised at how wrong you can be. Having said this, I must point out what a treat it is to be driven around London in a black cab every time I’m there. Every London cabbie, by law, has to know how to navigate each and every street in and around the British capital. It is said to take them more than three years to learn this and there are even several dedicated schools like the West London Knowledge School that equip newbie cabbies with such skills.
2. Come out smelling like roses
Having an extremely evolved olfactory sense means that my nose picks up the merest hint of err… bodily and other odours! From rolling down the windows of a Mumbai kaali-peeli taxi in a rainstorm, thanks to my cabbie’s questionable choices for lunch that made themselves apparent with every burp and belch he emitted, to spraying the interiors of a durian-ponged Bangkok cab with my Aqua di Gio cologne, I’ve done it all and then some more to save my delicate nasal passage from the assault. All this begs me to often ask aloud, “buddy, ever heard of something called a car deodorant, or more importantly, a breath mint?” Speaking of car deodorant, I recollect this one time, when I was being dropped off to Melbourne, Australia’s Tullamarine Airport by the Emirates complimentary business class chauffeur service from my downtown hotel in the CBD that something truly remarkable took place. I was so taken in by the glorious scent the interiors of the car were engulfed in, that the chauffeur literally gifted me a spare bottle of the same scent for my own car back home. Such was his pride and joy at doing his job the best way he could.
3. Talk less, drive better
Now, as much as I love to talk and make polite conversation, there is just something about an excessively loquacious chauffeur that gets my goat! Sure, basic pleasantries and a few words thrown in every now and then are fine. But an entire diatribe that lasts the whole darn journey is so not. From gripes about the bad roads, worse fellow drivers to personal problems, and the greatest of all i.e. the political and economic status of the country—I’ve had every kind of conversation starter thrown my way. Now for the bane of my ‘being driven existence’ aka the cellphone. Many a times I’ve been tempted to simply haul the sorry asses of several chauffeurs off to the nearest traffic police officer and report their incessant taking/making of calls hands-on while driving the already chaotic roads of my home city of Mumbai. And don’t even get me started on those wannabe Evel Knievels who attempt the above sans the use of earphone plugs on particularly scary hairpin bend-infested routes like the one from Dehradun that leads up to Mussoorie in Uttarakhand. Yes, I’ve somehow survived to tell the tale…
4. Always be prepared
While I don’t expect my chauffeur to possess extra sensory perception, it pays to be prepared for certain unforeseen situations that may present themselves. I love it when a chauffeur is always equipped with plan A and B, wherein if a particular route doesn’t pan out as planned, they have another route that will be equally quick and convenient. Like the time I was travelling from the Kodai hills to the Madurai airport to catch a flight to Colombo via Mumbai and a prominent Tamil Nadu politician had just passed away. Foreseeing possible trouble en route (though nothing of that sort thankfully happened!) in the form of blockades and traffic snarls, my chauffeur jumped into his alternate plan. He not only suggested we leave the hotel earlier than planned, but also suggested an alternative route, which though a tad bumpy due to bad roads would ensure I made my flight in time. And I did!
5. On time, every time!
This should really go without saying, but a good chauffeur should always arrive 15-20 minutes early at the pickup location – no exceptions. To ensure that happens, a great chauffeur will map out all routes ahead of time, taking into account any road- or weather-related delays and planning alternate routes if necessary. There truly is no point in hiring the glitziest limo in the town if the chauffeur arrives late, especially if that late arrival ruins a wedding, a surprise party, a business meeting, or other important occasions. Speaking of snazzy limos, I’ll never forget going through a mixture of emotions that ranged from surprise to awe to a little embarrassment when a bright pink, rhinestone-encrusted stretch limo was sent by my host to pick me up from my hotel in Louisville, Kentucky all for a short ride down to the airport. But that’s not all! The super fun and helpful chauffeur (he insisted on carrying my suitcases to the airport’s curbside, despite my protestations), bless him, was dressed as Elvis Presley down to his blue suede shoes.
(In Part II that follows, Raul Dias will give us his top five commandments for passengers, because it is always a two-way street…quite literally!)
